I don’t know about you, but I tend to say yes to all the things. I want to help, I want to meet expectations, I don’t want to disappoint. Yet, when I choose to say yes to all the things, I can easily become overwhelmed and worn out. I spread myself too thin and give small parts of myself to many instead of my best self to a few. Can you relate to that at all?

When we fail to say no, we are not reserving the time, resources, and heart needed to say yes to those things to which God has called us. We need to realize that it’s ok to say no. We need to realize that it’s ok to set healthy boundaries with our time, our resources, and our relationships.

What are boundaries? They are the honest, clearly communicated limits we set in our relationships with others. They are the limits we set with our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual resources. Healthy boundaries protect us, and help us define expectations, develop self-control, show respect for others, and remain focused on those things to which God has specifically called us. In her book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are, Lysa Terkeurst says this about boundaries:

“(They help us) love those around us really well without losing ourselves in the process . . . Boundaries help us say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and establish what is and isn’t acceptable.” 

I think many of us believe that setting boundaries is selfish, mean or even unchristian. Yet, we find boundaries woven throughout Scripture. When God created the heavens and the earth as described in the book of Genesis, He separated the light from the darkness, the water from the land. He created boundaries that defined the separate roles each would have. 

Throughout the Old Testament, we discover God created boundaries with His people. These boundaries were placed out of God’s love for His people and served to protect them from harm and preserve the relationship they had with Him. In the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve free rein to eat the fruit of any tree in the garden except for one, the tree of knowledge of good and evil. This boundary was set to build trust and obedience in their relationship with God. In Exodus, God gives His people the Ten Commandments. Boundaries given concerning how they were to live and treat others. Boundaries designed to protect them and their relationship with God. 

In the New Testament, we see that Jesus set boundaries throughout His ministry. 

He took time to rest. He took time to eat and care for His physical needs. He distanced Himself from the crowds desperate to see Him so He could recharge and pray. Jesus set boundaries that supported His calling on this earth. He said “no” so that He could say “yes” to those things that were important to His mission.  

So, how do we set healthy boundaries? First, it’s important to understand several things about boundaries. 

Lysa says that setting boundaries helps us love others in right and healthy ways. Boundaries aren’t meant to control or manipulate, but are meant to help sustain and deepen our relationships. She says,

“Setting boundaries from a place of love provides us an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty.”

God wants us to love Him and to love others well. John tells us 

“So I give you a new command: Love each other deeply and fully. Remember the ways that I have loved you, and demonstrate your love for others in those same ways.” 

John 13:34 (VOICE) 

Setting boundaries within our relationships helps us love others in right and healthy ways. 

Secondly, boundaries guard and protect our hearts. In her book, Lysa talks about how we are so careful to protect so many things in our lives. We protect our homes, cars, bank accounts, and social media accounts with keys and passwords. We understand that it would not be wise to grant others access to these things unless we knew they would be responsible with that access. For example, you wouldn’t give your credit card number out to a random stranger on the street or leave your car parked downtown with the keys in it. Yet, when it comes to our hearts, we often give others more access than they can be trusted with. Proverbs says, 

“Above all else, watch over your heart; diligently guard itbecause from a sincere and pure heart come the good and noble things of life.”

Proverbs 4:23 (VOICE) 

Lysa says that our love for others can be unconditional, but relational access never should be. People who are irresponsible with our hearts should not be granted great access to our hearts. And the same can be said for other kinds of access as well. People who are irresponsible with our physical, emotional, spiritual, or financial resources should not be granted great access to those resources. When we set healthy boundaries to guard and protect us we are reducing the access we grant others based on their ability to be responsible with that access. Access to our hearts requires trust, truthfulness, transparency, tenderness and a team approach where we can hold each other accountable and hold each other close at the same time. 

Going back to the Garden. Adam and Eve had one boundary and a great amount of access to God. Yet, they weren’t responsible with that access and chose to cross the boundary that God set. They ate the fruit from the tree that was forbidden. As a result of their sin, they no longer would have the same access to God as they had in the beginning. God still loved them, but they betrayed His trust. The consequence? They were banned from the garden as a consequence for violating the boundary God set.

Has this happened to you? Have you granted access to your heart only to then be hurt, betrayed or have trust broken? Healthy boundaries can guard and protect our hearts. 

Thirdly, the purpose of a boundary is not to take control of another person’s actions. You are not responsible for how another person behaves and cannot set boundaries in an attempt to change that behavior. In setting a boundary, you’re communicating what you will and will not tolerate and what you have or don’t have to give. Lysa says,

“Boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed and what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.”

Lastly, grace has a place in the conversation. We can be gracious with our words as we communicate our boundaries with others. Proverbs reminds us that:

“A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, but harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger.”

Proverbs 15:1 (AMP) 

Share your concerns, identify the needed boundary and communicate the consequences if that boundary is violated. Words spoken with grace are more easily received than words spoken harshly or in anger.

Colossians tells us,

“Your speech must always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.”

Colossians 4:6 (NASB)

What does it mean for our speech to be as though seasoned with salt? Karen Ehman, a contributor to Proverbs31 Ministries shares a number of thoughts concerning salt and our conversations with others. 

1. Salt preserves. Are your words preserving God’s Word? Are the words you are choosing to express your boundaries improving the situation or inviting decay?
2. Salt is valuable. Are you words adding value to the conversation or are your words empty and worthless?
3. Salt purifies and softens. Are the words you are choosing to use to express your boundaries pure and truthful? Are your words soft and kind or harsh and hostile?
4. Salt melts ice. Are your words phrased in a way to help melt an icy conversation? Is your speech bringing out the best in others?
5. Salt prevents infection in a wound. Are the words you are choosing to use bringing healing to this relationship or preventing further toxicity from spreading?

When communicating your boundaries with others, choose words filled with grace.

So, how do we set healthy boundaries? First, you need to identify your beliefs, values, and needs. What are your core beliefs? What do you value most? What do you need in order to be personally healthy and fulfilled as well as available in healthy ways for other people?

Secondly, identify the boundary needed and the consequences if that boundary is violated. The boundaries you set with one person may not be the same boundaries that need set with another person. Consider what emotions this person or situation trigger within you? What do you wish was different? What do you need to protect? Are the expectations you have for this person or situation realistic? Is what being asked of you reasonable? What part of this situation are you responsible for? What lines do you need to draw in order for your needs to be met? What consequences will be faced if this boundary is violated? Are these consequences that you will be able to enforce? 

Lastly, communicate your boundaries and the consequences if those boundaries are not respected clearly and firmly. Set aside time for this conversation that will be free from distractions and at a time when both parties are calm and open to discussing the issue at hand. Begin by affirming the relationship then clearly and calmly define the problem using “I” statements to express how you feel. Clearly and firmly state the boundary and the consequence for violating that boundary. 

Lysa offers these suggestions for structuring our boundaries and consequences:

1. Avoid using the words always and never or any other language of extremes
2. Remember that you are establishing a boundary in support of the relationship, not against it. This isn’t an accusation against the other person. You are simply readjusting their access to match the level of responsibility they’ve demonstrated in the relationship.
3. The consequence should be a statement, not a question. You don’t need to ask their permission to implement a boundary or the consequences that go along with it. If a boundary is posed as a question, it opens us up to be questioned, debated, or disrespected.
4. The consequence can be discussed, but it does not need to be justified or explained. 

Setting boundaries can feel really difficult to do, but they are so important.  Healthy boundaries protect us and help us remain focused on those things to which God has specifically called us. Healthy boundaries help us love others well and help us build deep community. And healthy boundaries are to be respected. If someone feels the need to set a boundary with us, we can be quick to become defensive. However, I’d encourage us to pause and consider what is being said. What concern has been expressed? What need is not being met? What part have our actions played in the need for this boundary to be set? We may not understand the boundary, but to love that person well and maintain the relationship, we need to respect the boundary. 

In closing, I want to share a devotional I read on boundaries. 

“Jesus often set boundaries by saying, “no”. He said no because it allowed Him to say yes to more important matters. (We can) learn from the example of Jesus. By setting boundaries of saying no, we are allowing ourselves to say yes to our values, our mission, our calling, and our priorities. Saying no is not mean or selfish here. It’s to serve a bigger purpose . . . John 11 tells the story of Jesus hearing that Mary and Martha’s brother, Lazarus, is sick. But when He heard this news, He did something odd: He stayed where He was for two more days. By the time He does show up, Lazarus has already been dead for four days. Why did Jesus say no to coming immediately? So a bigger yes could occur. Because Jesus waited, He performed the miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead. When we practice boundaries by saying no with love, we allow bigger yeses to unfold in our lives. In this way, setting boundaries is not mean or selfish. They are the conduit for God’s purpose to enter the world. Are you willing to say no for a bigger yes?”

References:

Bennett, Heather. “Setting Boundaries As a Christian.” The Grace and Moxie Life. https://thegraceandmoxielife.com/setting-boundaries-as-a-christian/. Accessed 10 Jan. 2024. 

Biblegateway. www.biblegateway.com. 

“The Boundaries of Jesus.” YouVersion. https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/31307-the-boundaries-of-jesus/day/1#. Accessed 13 Jan. 2024. 

Ehman, Karen. “Sweet and Salty Speech.” Proverbs31. https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2017/02/07/sweet-and-salty-speech. Accessed 13 Jan. 2024. 

Terkeurst, Lysa. Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are. Nelson Books. 2022. 

“What Are Boundaries and Are They Biblical?” Got Questions. https://www.gotquestions.org/boundaries-biblical.html. Accessed 9 Jan. 2024.