I don’t know about you, but I tend to say yes to all the things. I want to help, I want to meet expectations, I don’t want to disappoint. Yet, when I choose to say yes to all the things, I can easily become overwhelmed and worn out. I spread myself too thin and give small parts of myself to many instead of my best self to a few. Can you relate to that at all?

When we fail to say no, we are not reserving the time, resources, and heart needed to say yes to those things to which God has called us. We need to realize that it’s ok to say no. We need to realize that it’s ok to set healthy boundaries with our time, our resources, and our relationships.

What are boundaries? They are the honest, clearly communicated limits we set in our relationships with others. They are the limits we set with our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual resources. Healthy boundaries protect us, and help us define expectations, develop self-control, show respect for others, and remain focused on those things to which God has specifically called us. In her book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are, Lysa Terkeurst says this about boundaries:

“(They help us) love those around us really well without losing ourselves in the process . . . Boundaries help us say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and establish what is and isn’t acceptable.” 

I think many of us believe that setting boundaries is selfish, mean or even unchristian. Yet, we find boundaries woven throughout Scripture. When God created the heavens and the earth as described in the book of Genesis, He separated the light from the darkness, the water from the land. He created boundaries that defined the separate roles each would have. 

Throughout the Old Testament, we discover God created boundaries with His people. These boundaries were placed out of God’s love for His people and served to protect them from harm and preserve the relationship they had with Him. In the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve free rein to eat the fruit of any tree in the garden except for one, the tree of knowledge of good and evil. This boundary was set to build trust and obedience in their relationship with God. In Exodus, God gives His people the Ten Commandments. Boundaries given concerning how they were to live and treat others. Boundaries designed to protect them and their relationship with God. 

In the New Testament, we see that Jesus set boundaries throughout His ministry. 

He took time to rest. He took time to eat and care for His physical needs. He distanced Himself from the crowds desperate to see Him so He could recharge and pray. Jesus set boundaries that supported His calling on this earth. He said “no” so that He could say “yes” to those things that were important to His mission.  

So, how do we set healthy boundaries? First, it’s important to understand several things about boundaries. 

Lysa says that setting boundaries helps us love others in right and healthy ways. Boundaries aren’t meant to control or manipulate, but are meant to help sustain and deepen our relationships. She says,

“Setting boundaries from a place of love provides us an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty.”

God wants us to love Him and to love others well. John tells us 

“So I give you a new command: Love each other deeply and fully. Remember the ways that I have loved you, and demonstrate your love for others in those same ways.” 

John 13:34 (VOICE) 

Setting boundaries within our relationships helps us love others in right and healthy ways. 

Secondly, boundaries guard and protect our hearts. In her book, Lysa talks about how we are so careful to protect so many things in our lives. We protect our homes, cars, bank accounts, and social media accounts with keys and passwords. We understand that it would not be wise to grant others access to these things unless we knew they would be responsible with that access. For example, you wouldn’t give your credit card number out to a random stranger on the street or leave your car parked downtown with the keys in it. Yet, when it comes to our hearts, we often give others more access than they can be trusted with. Proverbs says, 

“Above all else, watch over your heart; diligently guard itbecause from a sincere and pure heart come the good and noble things of life.”

Proverbs 4:23 (VOICE) 

Lysa says that our love for others can be unconditional, but relational access never should be. People who are irresponsible with our hearts should not be granted great access to our hearts. And the same can be said for other kinds of access as well. People who are irresponsible with our physical, emotional, spiritual, or financial resources should not be granted great access to those resources. When we set healthy boundaries to guard and protect us we are reducing the access we grant others based on their ability to be responsible with that access. Access to our hearts requires trust, truthfulness, transparency, tenderness and a team approach where we can hold each other accountable and hold each other close at the same time. 

Going back to the Garden. Adam and Eve had one boundary and a great amount of access to God. Yet, they weren’t responsible with that access and chose to cross the boundary that God set. They ate the fruit from the tree that was forbidden. As a result of their sin, they no longer would have the same access to God as they had in the beginning. God still loved them, but they betrayed His trust. The consequence? They were banned from the garden as a consequence for violating the boundary God set.

Has this happened to you? Have you granted access to your heart only to then be hurt, betrayed or have trust broken? Healthy boundaries can guard and protect our hearts. 

Thirdly, the purpose of a boundary is not to take control of another person’s actions. You are not responsible for how another person behaves and cannot set boundaries in an attempt to change that behavior. In setting a boundary, you’re communicating what you will and will not tolerate and what you have or don’t have to give. Lysa says,

“Boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed and what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.”

Lastly, grace has a place in the conversation. We can be gracious with our words as we communicate our boundaries with others. Proverbs reminds us that:

“A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, but harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger.”

Proverbs 15:1 (AMP) 

Share your concerns, identify the needed boundary and communicate the consequences if that boundary is violated. Words spoken with grace are more easily received than words spoken harshly or in anger.

Colossians tells us,

“Your speech must always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.”

Colossians 4:6 (NASB)

What does it mean for our speech to be as though seasoned with salt? Karen Ehman, a contributor to Proverbs31 Ministries shares a number of thoughts concerning salt and our conversations with others. 

1. Salt preserves. Are your words preserving God’s Word? Are the words you are choosing to express your boundaries improving the situation or inviting decay?
2. Salt is valuable. Are you words adding value to the conversation or are your words empty and worthless?
3. Salt purifies and softens. Are the words you are choosing to use to express your boundaries pure and truthful? Are your words soft and kind or harsh and hostile?
4. Salt melts ice. Are your words phrased in a way to help melt an icy conversation? Is your speech bringing out the best in others?
5. Salt prevents infection in a wound. Are the words you are choosing to use bringing healing to this relationship or preventing further toxicity from spreading?

When communicating your boundaries with others, choose words filled with grace.

So, how do we set healthy boundaries? First, you need to identify your beliefs, values, and needs. What are your core beliefs? What do you value most? What do you need in order to be personally healthy and fulfilled as well as available in healthy ways for other people?

Secondly, identify the boundary needed and the consequences if that boundary is violated. The boundaries you set with one person may not be the same boundaries that need set with another person. Consider what emotions this person or situation trigger within you? What do you wish was different? What do you need to protect? Are the expectations you have for this person or situation realistic? Is what being asked of you reasonable? What part of this situation are you responsible for? What lines do you need to draw in order for your needs to be met? What consequences will be faced if this boundary is violated? Are these consequences that you will be able to enforce? 

Lastly, communicate your boundaries and the consequences if those boundaries are not respected clearly and firmly. Set aside time for this conversation that will be free from distractions and at a time when both parties are calm and open to discussing the issue at hand. Begin by affirming the relationship then clearly and calmly define the problem using “I” statements to express how you feel. Clearly and firmly state the boundary and the consequence for violating that boundary. 

Lysa offers these suggestions for structuring our boundaries and consequences:

1. Avoid using the words always and never or any other language of extremes
2. Remember that you are establishing a boundary in support of the relationship, not against it. This isn’t an accusation against the other person. You are simply readjusting their access to match the level of responsibility they’ve demonstrated in the relationship.
3. The consequence should be a statement, not a question. You don’t need to ask their permission to implement a boundary or the consequences that go along with it. If a boundary is posed as a question, it opens us up to be questioned, debated, or disrespected.
4. The consequence can be discussed, but it does not need to be justified or explained. 

Setting boundaries can feel really difficult to do, but they are so important.  Healthy boundaries protect us and help us remain focused on those things to which God has specifically called us. Healthy boundaries help us love others well and help us build deep community. And healthy boundaries are to be respected. If someone feels the need to set a boundary with us, we can be quick to become defensive. However, I’d encourage us to pause and consider what is being said. What concern has been expressed? What need is not being met? What part have our actions played in the need for this boundary to be set? We may not understand the boundary, but to love that person well and maintain the relationship, we need to respect the boundary. 

In closing, I want to share a devotional I read on boundaries. 

“Jesus often set boundaries by saying, “no”. He said no because it allowed Him to say yes to more important matters. (We can) learn from the example of Jesus. By setting boundaries of saying no, we are allowing ourselves to say yes to our values, our mission, our calling, and our priorities. Saying no is not mean or selfish here. It’s to serve a bigger purpose . . . John 11 tells the story of Jesus hearing that Mary and Martha’s brother, Lazarus, is sick. But when He heard this news, He did something odd: He stayed where He was for two more days. By the time He does show up, Lazarus has already been dead for four days. Why did Jesus say no to coming immediately? So a bigger yes could occur. Because Jesus waited, He performed the miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead. When we practice boundaries by saying no with love, we allow bigger yeses to unfold in our lives. In this way, setting boundaries is not mean or selfish. They are the conduit for God’s purpose to enter the world. Are you willing to say no for a bigger yes?”

References:

Bennett, Heather. “Setting Boundaries As a Christian.” The Grace and Moxie Life. https://thegraceandmoxielife.com/setting-boundaries-as-a-christian/. Accessed 10 Jan. 2024. 

Biblegateway. www.biblegateway.com. 

“The Boundaries of Jesus.” YouVersion. https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/31307-the-boundaries-of-jesus/day/1#. Accessed 13 Jan. 2024. 

Ehman, Karen. “Sweet and Salty Speech.” Proverbs31. https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2017/02/07/sweet-and-salty-speech. Accessed 13 Jan. 2024. 

Terkeurst, Lysa. Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are. Nelson Books. 2022. 

“What Are Boundaries and Are They Biblical?” Got Questions. https://www.gotquestions.org/boundaries-biblical.html. Accessed 9 Jan. 2024. 

This view. Often during the summer months, I will gaze upon this tree cementing the memory of its green lushness in my mind. When the winds turn bitter and snow covers its branches, I’ll close my eyes, remember what once was, and be reminded that spring will come again.

Yet, this morning, as I took in this view, God reminded me of something. There is beauty still here. In the midst of changing seasons, there is something for which to be thankful. There is beauty to be found.

Life is like that as well. We go through seasons in our lives. Some may feel really hard. Some may seem more beautiful than others. Some we will long to return to. But, regardless of the season, there is something for which we can be thankful, and there is beauty to be found. We have to open our eyes and our hearts to see it.

What season do you find yourself in right now? Are you walking through something hard? Are you experiencing change? What is one thing for which you can be thankful? What beauty do you see before you?

There is beauty in the changing seasons. Don’t miss it.

I sighed in frustration. “God I don’t have time for this. I have a meeting this morning, and I’m running late as it is. There is nothing I can do to help in this situation. What exactly are you asking of me?

These were my thoughts as I pulled up to the stop sign and took in the scene before me. Two cars, dented and bruised, sat awkwardly in the middle of the intersection. Emergency crews had yet to arrive, but it didn’t look as though it was serious. Others must have made the same assessment as I because traffic continued to move gingerly around the wreckage blocking the roadway. I slowly moved forward to do the same and continue on with my day, when I felt God telling me to stop and pull over. Grumbling under my breath, I pulled to the side of the road and that’s when I saw them. Two small boys huddled behind a woman, wearing no coats in the early morning chill. She seemed obviously distressed and the boys looked unsure and frightened. Again, I asked God, “What is it you would have me do?” He simply said, “Go.”

With a sigh, I unbuckled my seatbelt, got out of my car and walked towards the small crowd now gathering. Several were speaking with the woman, but the boys . . .  it was almost as if no one could see them standing there. I went up to the woman and gently touched her arm. I told her that though she didn’t know me, I too was a mom. Would she allow me to place her boys in my car to keep them warm and safe until the authorities arrived to help her? She looked uncertain at first, but then relief flooded her eyes. She agreed. I bent down, looked the boys in the eyes, and told them I was there to take care of them. I took their small hands in mine and led them to the safety and warmth of my car. 

I never caught their names, and I don’t remember how long we sat there. But, I do remember that I was really late for my meeting, and I also remember asking myself what might have happened if I hadn’t chosen to listen to God in that moment. What if I hadn’t stopped? What if I had closed my eyes to the need before me? What if I hadn’t said “Yes” to God’s interruption that day and His invitation to participate in that moment? 

Our days are full of interruptions, and I don’t think we always remember that those interruptions are often whispered invitations. Invitations to slow down. To notice. To truly see and understand. Invitations to encourage. To speak life into someone else. Invitations to see the joy in this life and the gift that it is. God invites us every day to participate in something much bigger than ourselves. To participate in plans He has had from the beginning and for which He specifically created us. Jeremiah 1:5 says, 

“Before I even formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew all about you.Before you drew your first breath, I had already chosen you to be My prophet to speak My word to the nations.”

Jeremiah 1:5 (VOICE)

These words were spoken to Jeremiah, but I think they hold true for us as well. Before you drew your first breath . . . God chose you. He chose you to come alongside Him and show His love to this hurting world. This is the life He has for you. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us, 

“For we are God’s masterpiece, created in the Messiah Jesus to perform good actions that God prepared long ago to be our way of life.”

Ephesians 2:10 (ISV) 

You were created to do good things that God has long planned for you. “Saying Yes” to Him and His invitation to come alongside Him is the life He desires for you. 

But, how often do we miss these invitations He extends to us? How often do we miss “Saying Yes” to those things God created us to do? How often are we so caught up in the demands of the day that we either completely miss the invitations God has for us or we notice them, but choose not to participate? I’m guilty of both. 

Some days, I miss Him completely. I may wake up with good intentions to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and to let Him lead my day. And then life starts happening. The cat throws up on the carpet. Milk gets spilled. Kids begin fighting. And this is all before breakfast. Then we are off to school and there are errands that need run, a house that needs cleaned, laundry that needs washed and dinner to make. I get so caught up in the chaos and the demands of the day that I forget to look for Him. I get so busy doing my own thing that I miss His whispered invitations. Does that ever happen to you? Do ever find yourself so busy with the demands of the day that you forget to look for Him, to listen for His voice?

Some days, I do hear Him, but I blatantly choose to ignore Him. I give excuses like I don’t have time, it’s too hard, or someone else would be better at that than me. Those excuses sometimes come from places of fear or impatience, but if I’m honest . . .  sometimes I’m just being defiant. Sometimes I simply don’t want to do what God asks of me. I don’t want to talk to that mom whom I’ve spotted in the grocery store. It will take extra time that I just don’t want to give. So I pretend I don’t see her. I don’t want to volunteer for that school activity. I have other things I’d rather do. I don’t want to extend forgiveness to that person who has hurt me. I’d like to like to hang on to my hurt for a bit yet. I don’t want to take the time to take my kids to the playground. I don’t want . . . I don’t want . . . I don’t want . . .  I become so self-focused in my defiance. Have you ever been there or is it just me? 

In her book, The Best Yes, Lysa Terkeurst says, “The one who obeys His instruction for today, will develop a keen awareness of His direction for tomorrow. (We’re) always asking God for direction, but (we’ll) miss it if (we) constantly ignore His instruction.” If we want to live this life of “Saying Yes”, we have to be obedient. We have to be obedient in the things He calls us to today. They may feel hard. They may feel too time consuming. They may feel insignificant. But, they very well may be the thing He needs us to “Say Yes” to today. 

God is inviting you to participate in His plans. Don’t miss your assignment because you are either too busy to notice what God is inviting you to or you’re choosing to ignore His invitation. Don’t miss “Saying Yes” to what God has in store for you today. 

How do we do this? How do we make sure we don’t miss our assignments? 

We need to slow down. We spend our days racing from one task to another from the moment we wake up until the time our head hits the pillow at night. We spend our days trying to meet the expectations this world has placed upon us as moms and are exhausted because of it. We need to slow down. We need to take some things off of our overflowing plates, and we need to take some things off of our kids plates as well. We need to be leaving time in our days. Time when we have nothing scheduled. No where to be. No demands. No expectations. Time for His interruptions. Time for His invitations. Time to honor Him and “Say Yes” to what He has for us that day. Think about how you spend your days. Are you leaving room for God to interrupt you? 

Secondly, we need to take time to listen. God speaks clearly. But, are we listening? When was the last time you were still? When was the last time you just sat in the quiet with your own thoughts? Though God doesn’t need absolute quiet for us to hear Him, from my experience, it sure makes it easier. It’s in those moments when I quiet my thoughts and my heart that I hear His voice. I love the verse found in Isaiah that says, 

“Your ears will hear sweet words behind you: ‘Go this way. There is your path; this is how you should go’ whenever you must decide whether to turn to the right or the left.”

Isaiah 31:21 (VOICE) 

God is speaking. Are we taking the time to listen? 

And lastly, God also speaks to us through His Word. Are you spending time with Him? Are you taking time throughout your day to open His Word and talk to Him? You may be feeling like you don’t have time. You have to make time, and it doesn’t have to look the same for each of us. I’m in a season now where I have 15 minutes in the morning to read my Bible before chaos ensues. It hasn’t always been like that. When my kids were little, sometimes the only moments I had with God were in the shower.  Sometimes I had moments to read a short devotional that was emailed to me. Some days it was only a verse. Sometimes, my time with God was when I did devotions with my kids as part of their bedtime routine. We have to make an effort to spend time with Him. It doesn’t have to be long, but it needs to be a time when your heart can turn towards His. And that’s what He longs for. He simply wants you to turn towards Him. Are you spending any time with Him during your day?

God has purpose for our lives and each day invites us in coming alongside Him. Are you open to His interruptions? Are you open to His invitation to notice those who are hurting, those who need encouragement. Are you open to “Saying Yes” to what He has for you today? 

Works Cited:

Terkeurst, Lysa. The Best Yes, Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands. Nashville, Nelson Books, 2014.

“Say Yes”. It’s the theme our MOPS group is exploring this year, and I’ve been reflecting on it and what it looks like in my own life. But, I have to tell you that this idea of saying yes hit me hard several weekends ago. We were at our first Friday night football game of the season. My husband and I were sitting in the stands directly behind the marching band. We were enjoying the game and listening to the band play when I caught a glimpse of my oldest through the crowd. He was leading the band in a fight song, and I felt a sob catch in my throat. How did we get to this point in his life already? It seems like only yesterday that he was climbing into my lap for a bedtime story and now he is driving and leading the band. In that moment, I became so aware that time is moving ever so quickly, and my little boy is becoming a man before my very eyes. How do you prepare your mama heart for that? 

As I sat there and felt the heaviness of that moment, and a longing for what has been, I asked myself if I’ve done enough. Have I been intentional enough? Have I spent time doing things with him that actually matter? Have I said “Yes” to the things that are actually important?

You see, saying yes has nothing to do with striving or people pleasing, but has everything to do with living the life to which God has called you. He has purpose for each of your days. And it’s found not only in the big, extraordinary moments, but also in the small and in the ordinary. There is holy purpose in changing diapers, washing dishes, driving your kids to school. Every day presents us with an opportunity to encourage and pour into someone else, to extend grace, to show courage, to love well, and embrace joy. Is your heart open to what He has for you right now, in this present moment? 

Time is moving ever more quickly. Let’s not long for what has been or worry about what may be. To do so would mean that we are missing a very beautiful present. Let’s take the brave steps, savor the small, understand what is truly important, and choose to live now. Let’s choose to “Say Yes” to God and all that He is offering us in this beautiful life. 

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin …”

Zechariah 4:10 (NLT)

Works Cited:

MOPS International. https://leader.mops.org/say-yes/. Accessed Aug. 2023.

I’ve been sharing what I’ve been learning from Renee Swope in her latest book,  A Confident Mom, Simple Ways to Give Your Child What They Need Most. Today, I want to talk about some other needs that our kids have. The first, is that character matters. Character is defined as the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual, and is built over time through our experiences and the choices we make moving through those experiences. Our choices will either add to or detract from our character. 

Now, as a parent, I believe that we play a crucial role in the building of our child’s character.

Renee Swope would agree. She says,

“We are all building something. Brick by brick, through the choices we make, we construct lives that reflect what we value. The decisions we make and the things we celebrate tell our children what matters most to us. You see, we are not only building our lives; we are also laying a foundation for our children to build on as well.”

What values are you communicating to your children through the choices you make? How do your choices speak to your character? What foundation are you laying for your children?

In addition to laying a foundation for the development of our child’s character, it’s also important that we take time to intentionally focus on and nurture their character. Renee says,

“Character development . . . doesn’t require a high IQ, academic giftedness, or athletic ability. Every child has a chance to succeed and make a difference. When we make character the focus of our parenting, our children’s potential is unlimited.”

I love that. Every single child has the potential to develop good character. But, how do we do this? How do we develop character within our kids? 

First, it’s important that we identify those traits that are valuable to us and model them within our own lives. We look to Jesus as our example and model for our children what these character traits look like when they are lived out. Ephesians tells us,

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”

Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)

Secondly, we develop character within our children by teaching them about the traits we value and providing opportunities for them to put those traits into practice. To do this, choose a character trait on which you want to focus. Begin by defining it for your children, and share what the Scriptures say about the character trait. Look for examples within the Bible of how Jesus modeled the character trait, and talk about how you as a family can model it in your own lives. Then, as a family, practice putting the character trait into action. Take note of when someone in your family displays the character trait and offer praise. But, also take note of when someone in your family misses an opportunity to display the character trait and use it as a teachable moment. In her book, Renee offers the following example:

Be PATIENT

Wait without complaining

“Be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2

• Ask for something and then wait without asking again
• Be patient with yourself when you don’t know how to do something
• Don’t interrupt – Wait your turn to talk
• Have each family member wait to buy something they really want 

Our kids need to understand that character matters, and it is an indicator of how we treat others. Renee says,

“If our kids know that honesty, perseverance, acceptance, generosity, compassion, patience, loyalty, and kindness are core values, we’ll teach them to live a life of love by being kind to their friends, family, and even strangers.”

Another need our kids have that I believe ties into the development of their character is the need to be disciplined and loved. When you hear the word discipline, what thoughts or images come to mind? For many of us, the word discipline brings negative thoughts, and we often equivalent discipline with punishment. There is a difference between discipline and punishment, however. Where punishment focuses on making a child suffer for breaking the rules, discipline focuses on teaching and instructing a child on how to make a better choice next time. That will be our focus for today. I want to share God’s perspective of discipline and how crucial it is when it comes to loving our kids well.

The word discipline comes from the Hebrew word “musar” which means to instruct, to correct, chastise, or rebuke. To discipline our children is to provide them with the necessary instruction and training they need to live the lives for which God specifically created them. This is really important for several reasons. 

First, discipling our kids is something God has instructed us to do. When God led the Israelites out of Egypt, He told the people to teach their children all He had done for them and to instruct them in the laws He had given them. These laws served as a guide for how they were to be living their lives. 

“Make the things I’m commanding you today part of who you are. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you’re sitting together in your home and when you’re walking together down the road. Make them the last thing you talk about before you go to bed and the first thing you talk about the next morning.”

 Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (VOICE)

An article from GotQuestions.org said,

“When one generation fails to instill God’s laws in the next, a society quickly declines. Parents have not only a responsibility to their children, but an assignment from God to impart His values and truth into their lives.”

As a mom, God has instructed you to teach your children the values and truth we find in His Word. When we discipline our kids, this is what we are doing. We are imparting His values and truth into their lives.

Secondly, making the choice to discipline our kids is making the choice to love them. If you grew up in a home where discipline was equivalent to punishment, this concept of discipline being a form of love may sound very foreign. But, God’s Word tells us that disciplining our kids is showing love. In the book of Proverbs, we find these words:

My son, do not ignore the Eternal’s instruction or lose heart when He steps in to correct you; Because the Eternal proves His love by caring enough to discipline you, just as a father does his child, his pride and joy.”

Proverbs 3:11-12 (VOICE) 

“He who withholds the rod [of discipline] hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines and trains him diligently and appropriately [with wisdom and love].”

Proverbs 13:24 (AMP) 

Making the choice to discipline our kids isn’t mean. It’s loving them enough to do what is best for them.

Lastly, discipline protects our children from a destructive life. Kids are not naturally inclined to be obedient and to always do the right thing. I’m sure each of you know a child that is proof of this! But, the truth is, doing the right thing doesn’t come naturally to any of us. All of us were born into this world as sinners and needed someone to teach us right from wrong. Chip Ingram says, 

“The Bible’s perspective on discipline is affirmed by what many psychologists and sociologists are now learning about child development: Children left to themselves will do what all people left to themselves in a fallen world will do. They’ll make bad decisions that produce pain and turmoil in their lives.” 

Our kids need disciplined. They need someone to love them enough to step in and teach them the difference between right and wrong. Proverbs tells us,

“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline [correction administered with godly wisdom and lovingkindness] will remove it far from him.”

Proverbs 22:15 (AMP)

“Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones; a spanking won’t kill them. A good spanking, in fact, might save them from something worse than death.“

Proverbs 23:13-14 (MSG)

Discipline isn’t simply passing out punishment when our kids do something wrong. It is intentionally training our children to lead lives that will honor God and also honor others.  Renee Swope says,

“At the heart of discipleship and discipline, we teach our kids how to take responsibility for their choices, treat others with respect, and seek restoration in relationships when their choices have caused damage. An important part of disciplining our children is teaching them how to make good choices now that will help them make wise decisions later, choices that honor God (and) other people.”

So, how do we do this?

This actually leads into another need our children have: the need for clear boundaries, choices, consequences and consistency. Boundaries are the limits we set in place that keep our children safe, teach them what is acceptable behavior and that help them learn self-control. There are a couple of things that are important when it comes to setting boundaries. 

First, it is important that you and your spouse/partner discuss ahead of time what boundaries you will set for your family. For example, talk about what boundaries need to be in place before your infant starts crawling, your preschooler begins going to other houses for play dates, your school-age child gets a cell phone, or your teen starts dating.

Secondly, define the boundaries you’ve set firmly and clearly. There should be no doubt as to what behavior is deemed acceptable and what is not.  Be extremely clear. 

Once boundaries are set, our kids then need the opportunity to make a choice of whether they will stay within those boundaries or go their own way. Making good choices is a skill that kids need to practice, and just as God gives us the choice to obey or disobey Him, we need to give our children the same. Renee Swope says,

“By giving children a choice, we empower them to take responsibility for their decisions. If children are taught how to take responsibility for their choices they will grow up knowing their actions make a difference, good or bad.”

Galatians tells us, 

“But each one must carefully scrutinize his own work [examining his actions, attitudes, and behavior], and then he can have the personal satisfaction and inner joy of doing something commendable without comparing himself to another.” 

Galatians 6:4 (AMP)

Our kids need to practice how to make good choices, and the best place to do that is under our care. But, it is also important that they learn that when bad choices are made, there are consequences.

When our children make the choice to stray outside of the boundaries we have set for them, we need to allow them to experience the consequences of their choice. Consequences, just like boundaries, need to be clearly communicated ahead of time. They also need to be able to be implemented with immediate effect. Delayed consequences are not effective especially with young children. Consequences also should be ones that, as the parent, you can realistically and consistently follow through with. Clearly communicate with your child the consequence they will face if they choose to disobey and step outside of the boundaries your family has in place. For example: If you take your child to the beach, it is completely appropriate to set a boundary that your child may not go into the water without an adult. When you communicate this boundary, communicate the consequence he will face if he disobeys and goes in the water alone. Say, “You may play in the sand, but you may not go into the water without Mommy. If you choose to go into the water without Mommy, we will pack up and go home.”

As stated before consistency is key when it comes to disciplining our children. When we are consistent with our discipline, our kids learn to respect our decisions and our word. Consistency also builds trust and security within our homes.  Inconsistency, on the other hand, creates confusion, can encourage disobedience, and can create a power struggle between parent and child. Being consistent in your discipline will take effort, time, and a great deal of patience. But, the reward will be worth it. 

Here are some other things Renee Swope encourages us to do as we discipline our kids:

• Discipline your child in private, away from anyone else involved. 
• Wait until your emotions and your child’s emotions are calm before you discuss the situation or discipline your child. 
• Ask what happened and address the choices your child made. Also ask him what he could have done differently that would have lead to a better result. 
• Talk about consequences, communicate unconditional love.
• Remind your child that God calls you as his parent to discipline him in love and to teach him to make choices that honor other people, himself, and God. 
• After giving your child his consequences, hug him and express your love for him again.
• Always tell your child that you believe in him and that his behavior is not who he is but something he chose to do. 
• If someone else was involved in the situation, ask your child  to apologize and ask forgiveness from the person they hurt.

Discipline is an opportunity to love our kids exactly as God has called us to. It is an opportunity, as Renee Swope says, “to shape their hearts, not just their habits.” And that’s what we’re after, isn’t it? It’s shaping the hearts of our children and encouraging them to be the people that God created them to be. 

Works Cited:

Biblegateway. www.biblegateway.com. Accessed 3 May. 2022. 

Blueletter Bible. https://www.blueletterbible.org/search/search.cfm?Criteria=discipline&t=NLT#s=s_lexiconc. Accessed 28 Apr. 2022.

Ingram, Chip. “What Does the Bible Say About Discipline?” Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/what-does-the-bible-say-about-discipline/. Accessed 1 May. 2022. 

Merriam Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/character. Accessed 28 Apr. 2022.

Merriam Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/discipline. Accessed 28 Apr. 2022. 

Mertz, Jon. “What Builds Character?” Thin Difference. https://www.thindifference.com/2016/01/what-builds-character/. Accessed 28 Apr. 2022.

Morin, Amy. “The Difference Between Punishment and Discipline.” Very Well Family. https://www.verywellfamily.com/the-difference-between-punishment-and-discipline-1095044. Accessed 1 May. 2022. 

Swope, Renee. A Confident Mom: Simple Ways to Give Your Child What They Need Most. Revell, 2022. 

“What Does the Bible Say About Raising Children?” https://www.gotquestions.org/raising-children.html. Accessed 1 May. 2022.

If I were to ask you, what it looks like to love your kids well, what would you say? Some of you might say that providing food, clothing, and a safe home shows your kids that you love them. Some of you might say spending quality time together as a family or speaking words of affirmation over your kids are ways you can show them they are loved. I want to share with you what I’ve been learning about loving my kids well and touch on one specific area on which we can focus.

In her book, A Confident Mom, Simple Ways To Give Your Child What They Need Most,  Renee Swope shares different needs that all children have. She offers practical tips on how to meet those needs while also building Godly characteristics within our children. She says,

“We can develop the gold of God’s character in our children’s hearts by offering them the ingredients of encouraging words, God’s Word, and an emphasis on character in an environment of acceptance, approval, affirmation, and unconditional love under the conditions of heart connection, belonging, affirmation, listening, quality time, patience, awareness, an accurate portrayal of God’s goodness and grace, fun and loving biblical discipline, the power of apology, and forgiveness.”

By providing the right ingredients in the right environment under the right conditions, we can love our kids exactly as God has called us. So what are some of these needs that our kids have?

One need your child has is to feel known, understood and completely accepted for who he is. We are reminded in the book of Psalm, that each of our children were carefully and uniquely created exactly as God intended. 

“For You shaped [my child], inside and out. You knitted [my child] together in my [own] womb long before [he] took [his] first breath. I will offer You my grateful heart, for [my child] [is] Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe. You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;Your works are wonderful; I carry this knowledge deep within my soul. You see all things; nothing about [my child] was hidden from You as [he] took shape in secret, carefully crafted in the heart of the earth before [he] was born from its womb. You see all things; You saw [my child] growing, changing in my [own] womb; Every detail of [my child’s] life was already written in Your book; You established the length of [his] life before [he] ever tasted the sweetness of it.” 
Psalm 139:13-15 (VOICE; emphasis added)

Renee Swope says that as moms, we need to remember,

“Our kids are not like hotdogs. They’re like potatoes, creatively designed by God to be different.” Think about that for a moment. Hotdogs are all the same shape, the same size, and they all fit nicely in a bun. Potatoes on the other hand, come in all different sizes and shapes, some have more eyes than others, and you would be hard pressed to find two that were exactly alike. God created people just like He created potatoes. Each is unique and different in its own way.”

Renee goes on to say,

“When God created our children, He gave them individual personalities that are a unique combination of . . . desires, emotional needs, strengths, and challenges. Understanding our children’s personalities, and affirming their uniqueness, is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.”

I love that! It’s one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids. That is so true!

There are many personality tests that we could look at to better understand our kids, but the one we’ll look at today is one developed by Hippocrates. He felt that there were four general personalities that people fall into. Renee Swope explains what these four different personality types look like in our children. 

The first is the Phlegmatic personality. A Phlegmatic’s number one goal in life is to have peace. Children with this personality are typically low-key and easy-going, have a good sense of humor, don’t get upset easily, and are extremely likable. 

• Motto: Let’s do it the easy way
• Emotional Needs:  peace and quiet, downtime, and a feeling of worth
• Strengths: Calm, peacemakers,  steady, consistent, kind, and great listeners
• Challenges in Parenting: Hard to motivate, resistant to exertion, conflict avoidant, stubborn and tend to procrastinate

The second of the four personalities is the Choleric Personality. A Choleric’s number one goal in life is to be in control. Children with this type of personality are dependable, hard working, and natural born leaders. They like to have a sense of control and can be counted on to get things done. They also have strong opinions and aren’t shy about sharing them.

• Motto: Just do it
• Emotional Needs: Control, appreciation, loyalty, and getting credit
• Strengths: Organized, task-oriented, and competent – They are also gifted at seeing a situation, thinking through things, and coming to a right conclusion
• Challenges in Parenting: Overly determined, stubborn, and strong-willed – They want to be in control and do things their own way, which sometimes comes across as bossy, rude, and inconsiderate

The third personality is the Sanguine Personality. A Sanguine’s number one gaol in life is to have fun. Children with this type of personality are energetic, loving, adventurous, and fun. They enjoy quality time with friends and family, enjoy being the center of attention, and are often very entertaining.

• Motto: Let’s do it the fun way
• Emotional Needs: Attention, affection, and a sense of approval 
• Strengths: Ability to make friends quickly, a great sense of humor, and storytelling abilities – They can charm their way into all kinds of situations and out of all kinds of trouble
• Challenges in Parenting: Attention-seeking, which can overshadow others – They tend to back out of commitments if they aren’t fun, and they are sensitive to criticism and take it extremely personally

The last of the four personalties is the Melancholy Personality. A Melancholy’s number one goal is perfection. Children with a melancholy personality are thoughtful, sensitive, work well alone, strive for perfection, careful, organized, and have great attention for details

• Motto: Let’s do it the right way
• Emotional needs: Sensitivity, space, solitude, and quiet
• Strengths: Able to work well alone and having an artistic sensibility along with the ability to be analytical – They love schedules, accuracy, and rules to follow
• Challenges in Parenting: Shy, clingy, perfectionistic, afraid to fail, sensitive to criticism, see problems instead of solutions, moody

Of these personality types, which one(s) do you see in your child? What do you love about your child’s personality? What challenges does your child’s personality bring?

We live in a world that holds our kids to unrealistic expectations and tells them every day that their worth is found in what they have, how popular they are, or how well they are doing compared to others. Understanding how God uniquely created our kids and offering acceptance and approval for the ways in which He created them is so important. Renee Swope says,

“The environment of our home shapes our children’s perspective of themselves, of God, and of life. Let’s create a home where our potatoes can grow in the soil of acceptance and approval. A home where they know they are loved for who they are and liked for how they are. A home where our kids, whether young or old, don’t feel pressured to be the product of their parents desires or efforts. A home where everyone’s needs and preferences are honored, and where each person is encouraged to discover and develop their unique interests, abilities, strengths, and challenges. And let’s remember our kids are in process, becoming all that God created them to be.”

Does this describe the current environment of your home? Is your home a place where your children are able to flourish and grow into the people God created them to be? Take some time to reflect on that today. Does your child feel known, understood, and completely accepted for who God created him to be?

Works Cited:

Biblegateway. www.biblegateway.com. Accessed 13 Apr. 2022. 

Swope, Renee. A Confident Mom: Simple Ways to Give Your Child What They Need Most. Revell, 2022. 

It’s been over twenty years, but I can still remember so clearly the shock I felt at my husband’s words. “Let’s go down to the beach.” Now, you may be asking yourself what is so shocking about that statement. Let me give you a little background. 

Newlyweds for less than a week, my husband and I were on our honeymoon in Myrtle Beach. On this particular day, we left the beach earlier than normal and returned to our rental house. Storms had begun forming all around us and having been struck by lighting already once in my life, I was not eager for a repeat experience. Upon returning to our rental, my husband jumped in the shower, and I turned on the tv just in time to see a local weather alert come across the screen. Several counties in the area were under a tornado warning, and the weather anchor was encouraging people to take cover immediately. Glancing around the mobile home that was home sweet home for us that week, I could feel my panic start to rise. If we were indeed in the path of this storm, I had no idea where we would take cover. We were in the middle of a sea of mobile homes with no basements in which we could take shelter. I called into my husband, who was still in shower, and asked the name of the county in which we staying. His answer confirmed for me that we were one of the counties included in the warning and in the direct path of this storm. Trying to control my now racing heart, I told him we were under a tornado warning and were being encouraged to take cover. His response caught me completely off guard. He suggested we go down to the beach and watch the storm go through. Now, in all fairness to him, he was joking . . .  a little bit. I knew that he would never do anything that would put me in harms way. But, at the same time, I also knew that he has always loved storms, and I very much believe he would have enjoyed watching that particular storm roll in. His words shocked me, however. Who in their right mind would choose walking down to the beach instead of taking cover during a tornado? What kind of a man did I marry?

That hasn’t been the only time that I’ve been struck by the differences between my husband and I. In the last twenty years, I’ve learned that as a man, his mind works differently from my own. He experiences different emotions and feelings than I do. He often sees things from a slightly different perspective than I do. And though I don’t always understand his perspective, I’m learning to appreciate it and to see the wisdom in how God created men and women differently. I’ve also been learning that the needs he has from our relationship are far different from my own, and for our marriage to thrive, I need to understand and be supporting those needs. 

One of those needs is to be respected and affirmed. To respect someone is to value him, recognize his worth, and to hold him in high regard. To affirm means to validate, to support (someone) by giving approval, recognition, or encouragement. How intentional are we when it comes to respecting and affirming our men, and is it really that important to do so? 

In her book, For Women Only, social researcher and author Shaunti Feldhahn, says,

“The male need for respect and affirmation, especially from his woman, is so hard-wired and so critical that three out of four men would rather feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate.”

Three out of four. That’s pretty significant. She goes on to say that men actually equate love with respect. A man who feels respected feels loved; a man who feels disrespected, on the other hand, feels unloved. Your man needs to know that he has your respect and that he has that respect unconditionally. Shaunti says,

“Just as you need the man in your life to love you unconditionally, even when you’re not particularly lovable, your man needs you to demonstrate your respect for him regardless of whether he’s meeting your expectations at the moment.”

He needs to know that you respect him unconditionally not just because of what he does, but for who he is.

Now, I understand that for some of us this feels really hard. But, even though it feels hard or there are times when we feel as though our respect is not deserved, we need to make the choice to respect our man. We need to make the choice to respect our husbands not only to show our love for them, but because God tells us to do so. Ephesians says, 

“However, each man among you [without exception] is to love his wife as his very own self [with behavior worthy of respect and esteem, always seeking the best for her with an attitude of lovingkindness], and the wife [must see to it] that she respects and delights in her husband [that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honoring him, and holding him dear].” - Ephesians 5:33 (AMP) 

Your man need your respect and your affirmation for it shows him that he is loved. But, how specifically can we do this? How do we show our men that we respect them? There are several areas in which we can do this.

The first is in his judgement. Your man needs to know that you respect his knowledge, his opinions, and his decisions. Now, you may not always agree with him, and that’s ok. But, it is important that you pick your battles and that you are not constantly questioning his judgement. I don’t always agree with my husband. There have been times over the last twenty years, especially as we’ve been raising our kids, that I haven’t agreed with his thoughts or how he has chosen to handle something. But, I have learned that sometimes it is wiser to hold my tongue and consider his perspective. Most times, he is doing what he truly feels is best for our family, and though I may not always agree with him, I need to respect that. 

Many men have shared that their opinions and decisions are valued in every area of their lives except for at home. This is breaking our men. Don’t allow this to be the case in your home. Ask your man for his knowledge on a given subject, ask for his opinion on a decision you are facing, and tell him that you trust and support the decisions he makes when he’s got your family’s best interests at heart. Trust and respect his judgement.

Next, our men need to feel respected for their abilities. Men love to figure things out for themselves. It gives them a sense of accomplishment, a sense that they have conquered something when they tackle a problem using their own abilities and are able to solve it. This is why men sometimes will not use the provided instructions for putting together a piece of furniture or not rely on a map to get where they are going. I see this very thing in my youngest son. He is one that will set aside the instructions, intent on figuring it out on his own. As women, it can be difficult for us to understand this need. If we see our man struggling, we immediately want to step in and help, offer solutions. However, when we do so, it suggests to our men that we don’t trust them or have confidence in their abilities. It suggests that we don’t believe they can solve the problem. It is often better to offer our encouragement, tell him that we know he can do it and then back off and let him figure things out on his own. This shows that we respect his abilities. 

Another area in which you can show your respect is in what your man accomplishes. In her studies, Shaunti found that even though men may appear extremely confident on the outside, many of them question whether they measure up or if they are good at what they do. Our men need to know that we notice what they have accomplished. It is extremely powerful for a man to know that he tried something, accomplished it, did it well, and someone noticed. Tell him that he did a great job at fixing the car. Tell him he does a great job at giving the kids a bath. Tell him that you appreciate how hard he works to provide for your family.  Tell him that he is an amazing dad. Many times, these words will mean more to him than hearing that you love him. 

One thing to note, however. When you show your respect for what your man accomplishes, take care not to point out his flaws. I’ll never forget a number of years ago when we were cleaning up our house for a showing. My husband folded our bathroom towels and put them away for me. When I walked into the closet, not all of the towels were pointed the same way. It sounds crazy, but in that moment it really bothered me. I proceeded to refold all of the towels. He was so hurt that I did this, especially because he was trying to be helpful. It was a long time before he would fold towels for me again. When we praise our men and quickly follow it with a critique, all he hears is that what he accomplished wasn’t quite good enough. Take notice of what your husband accomplishes and show him respect in that. 

This next area is really important. We need to respect our husbands as we communicate with them. As women, we have the incredible power to build up our men or completely tear them down. Because of this, we need to choose the words we speak to our men wisely. Proverbs tells us,

 “Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.”  - Proverbs 15:4 (MSG) 

Every day, you have a choice in how you will choose to communicate with your man. You can speak kindly and encourage and build him up. Or, you can speak hurtful words over him and exasperate and tear him down. When your criticize or nag your man, he often interprets that as disrespect and disappointment in him as a man. Choose your words carefully. Your words are powerful. They can either be life-giving or life-draining. 

Another area where our men need our respect is in public. It is important to never criticize, tease, put him down, or question his judgement in front of others. To do so shows disrespect and because it happens in front of others, it can deeply wound a man and cause him to feel inadequate. Shaunti quotes her dad as saying,

“Men don’t let down their guards easily . . . The only time a guy’s guard is completely down is with the woman he loves. So she can pierce his heart like no one else.”

Dick Reiniger

It is so important to be supportive and respectful of our men in public. And this is true even when we are not physically present with our man. As women, we sometimes like to gather in our little circles with other women and vent our frustrations about our men. We like the feeling that we are not alone in our struggles and the validation that comes with sharing our frustrations. Here is the thing though; there is danger in that. If we make a habit of sharing our frustrations or dissatisfactions with other women, those frustrations and dissatisfactions are actually going to lodge more deeply in our hearts. If we’re not careful, what we see as harmless venting can begin to affect the relationship we have with our man.

“ . . . The heart overflows in the words a person speaks; your words reveal what’s within your heart.” Luke 6:45 (VOICE)

There is wisdom in privately seeking wise counsel if you are struggling in your relationship. But, the venting, the complaining, and the airing out of our disappointments and frustrations with our girlfriends is actually causing more dissatisfaction. Satan is using it as a breeding ground for lies and discontent. We need to stop putting down our men in public and instead make the choice to show them respect and build them up in front of others. 

Lastly, we can show the men in our lives respect through our assumptions. Assumptions are those things we accept to be true or are certain will happen without actually having proof. We make assumptions about others every day. If I find graham cracker crumbs on the floor, I assume my daughter has been in the pantry even if I didn’t actually see her in the pantry. If someone is tailgating me, I assume that they’re just a jerk of a person even thought the reality may be that they have a family emergency. We make assumptions daily, but when it comes to our men, we need to be very careful in this area. Far too often, we make negative assumptions concerning our men. These negative assumptions can lead to distrust and a breakdown in our relationships. 

There are two particular assumptions women often make about men that we need address. The first is the assumption that when you ask your man to do something, he will need reminded in order for it to get done. If we ask our man to complete a task, and it is not completed in the timeframe we expect, we make the incorrect assumption that he needs to be reminded to complete the task. Now, sometimes he honestly may need to be reminded. There have been times when I’ve asked my husband to do something, but I’ve asked when he was completely focused on another task and my request honestly did not register with him. But, most times, my request has been heard, he does remember, and he does intend to do it. It just may not be as close to the top of his priority list as it is mine. When we make the assumption that our man needs us constantly reminding him to do things,  it can be interpreted as he is incapable of remembering on his own, or that we don’t trust that he will get the job done. We need to remember that his priorities may be different from our own and to not make the assumption that he needs reminded in order to complete a task. 

Another incorrect assumption that women tend to make is that when it comes to doing work around the house or helping with the kids, men make the choice to not help. I have to be honest and tell you that I’ve made this assumption before. If my husband didn’t help around the house in ways I thought he should, I thought it was because he didn’t care about me or was simply choosing not to help. But, I’ve learned that that was never the case.  Usually, if he didn’t help with something I thought he should, it was simply because he didn’t see it. And usually, that’s the case with our men. It’s not that they don’t want to help. It’s that they don’t always see things the same way they we do. He may honestly not see the laundry that needs carried upstairs. He may honestly not hear the baby cry in the middle of the night. Instead of making the assumption that your man doesn’t want to help, choose to believe that he honestly doesn’t see the areas in which help is needed. Clearly communicate your needs and the ways in which he can help you. I’ve found that my husband has always been willing to pitch in when I’ve asked. 

We show respect when we guard our assumptions. Make the choice to always assume the very best of your man. Our men need our respect and affirmation. 

In closing, I want to remind you of a few things. First of all, remember that you have the incredible power to tear your man down or build him up into the man God has created him to be. Secondly, pick your battles and be willing to forgive. Folded towels are not a battle worth fighting. Be slow to anger and quick to kiss and make up. Lastly, pray for your husband and invite Christ into your marriage. Ecclesiastes says, 

 “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”  Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NLT)

God can and will strengthen your marriage. He needs to be invited though. Invite God to be a part of your marriage.  

One man is quoted as follows:

“It is so true that behind every great man is a great woman. There are a lot of men out there who are mediocre simply because their wives will not support them and bring them to greatness. And there are a lot of mediocre men who are destined to become great men-who are becoming great men-because their wives love and support them. My wife expects great things from me, even though I’m a pretty ordinary guy, really. She looks at me like I’m a genius in my field. She respects me in public and affirms me in private. I love her. And like all men, I want to live up to her expectations.” 

Unknown

Works Cited:

Biblegateway. www.biblegateway.com. Accessed 28 Feb. 2022. 

Feldhahn, S. For Women Only. Colorado Springs: Multinomah Books. 2013.